In the first month of 2023 it was my birthday and I made a pledge to myself that I would push not only my photography but the way I perceive and position myself as part of the creative process. My gift to myself.

A huge part of this was recognising how I had been feeling about myself as a creative portrait photographer of beautiful women, men and children. Anyone who has seen me at work in the studio will know how much I adore helping my subjects to open themselves up to me. To trust me. To blossom and unfurl like little flowers do. And how I truly love to watch this happen in front of my eyes and then capture that precise moment in camera, like catching a spark. It gives me so much joy and energy!

But I have always shied away from putting myself in front of the camera and opening up, honestly. Showing vulnerability. Imperfection. Who I am. Shouldn’t I be proud of who I am? And so I began to question why my position of choice was always to hide behind my camera and love the people in front of it more.

Who else among us has found themselves saying ‘I’m more comfortable behind the camera than in front of it?’ or ‘Who would want to photograph me’? ‘I’m too old, I hate my ageing face, I’m too fat, I can’t pose, I’m useless…’. Certainly I have. And that’s why I decided to challenge those destructive voices and try to find a place where I can accept who I am and celebrate the fact I have now been alive on this earth for 56 years… a privilege some of my best friends never had .

So, I decided to face and feel the fear .

I have challenged myself to create a series of 8 self portraits following the Wheel of the Year which in itself, celebrates the evolution of the yearly cycle of life with celebrations and festivals for each season based on the ‘Old Ways’. From Winter to Spring, Summer and Autumn and back again, paying homage, showing gratitude, being hopeful, renewing, life to death, darkness to light.

The 1st of February is IMBOLC which represents the halfway point between the Winter Solstice (Yule) and the Spring Equinox (Ostara) and is represented by the Goddess, Brigid. She heralds the beginning of the end of Winter, bringing a glimpse of the brighter days to come as the days lengthen and presents herself as the first signals of Spring, the seedlings stirring, bulbs beginning to push their way up from the Earth towards the light, sheep giving milk again to the lambs… She brings hope and renewal.

The spiritual meaning of Imbolc is transformation, purification, new beginnings and the celebration of the return to light which I think is simply the most perfect way to begin this challenge.

Creating the Image

As you can see from the carousel of images below, I added symbolic elements from various historical paintings. The milky egg shaped pearls that I am wearing were in fact taken from a portrait of Isabella Clara Eugenia of Spain, Archduchess of Austria painted by Frans Porbus II and the little snow drop I am holding to symbolise a little bit of Spring comes from a beautiful 1881 painting by Josef Lauer called Snowdrops on the Forest Floor.

The background image was digitally added and is from a photograph that I took at the Louvre Museum in Abu Dhabi in 2022.

1511px-Isabella_Clara_Eugenia_of_Spain_-_Frans_Pourbus_II.jpg

The shoot wasn’t planned. I was at the studio and just thought - I’m going to do it! So no real preparation as you can tell from the RAW image!! But my determination to do it was strong and I really didn’t care about doing my hair or putting on makeup. It was the authentic ‘feeling’ that I wanted to capture and I knew if I didn’t do it, the opportunity would pass as I would get in my own way...

I am wearing a vintage navy blue dress by Jean Varon from my own collection (that kept falling off because it was too small for me), a long strip of black lace covers my head and is over an antique tortoiseshell Spanish mantilla hair comb that I found in a junk shop for £5. Around my shoulders, is some grey and blue tulle that I’d found in the oddments bin at a local fabric shop that I’d torn into strips to make a skirt for a Halloween shoot a few years ago. Everything was pulled together using Photoshop and Adobe Camera Raw.

Technical Spec

Shot with Canon 5D mk1V, f/5.6, 1/60sec and ISO 160. One deep parabolic umbrella to the right, shallow gridded beauty dish to the left both on the lowest power.

My Self Portrait Celebration Days